I Just Don’t Like this Weirdo Aspect of the World
Dear social media,
I’m coming clean. It’s not you, it’s me. You know how they say a relationship should have more good days than bad? Well we’re just not there. I need to let you know our relationship’s been bothering me for a while now. It’s time I take a step back.
Many years ago I took my first of many social media breaks (luckily an increasingly popular practice today).
Like for most relationships I was drawn in by the novelty of something new. Though as many of my peers seemed to delight in various online offerings, I grew bored fairly quickly. I watched as my peers engaged in all the online trends. I wanted to be like everyone else. So I bounced around the platforms searching for any value they could provide.
When I experienced overall disdain when engaging on social media I realized maybe I’m different, and that’s okay. But I knew that technology was only going to become more engrained in our society. I had to figure out how to co-exist with it in a healthy way. It’s what encouraged me, or really, commanded me to log off the apps for a while and dive deep into my own case study, and really writing therapy.
Once I got started I couldn’t stop writing. My thoughts came so fast I could barely get them on the page. I had, and still have, an influx of (non-judgemental) observations of myself and others, experiments to try to work towards digital minimalism, and
My beef.
Years ago we were thrown this virtual world and given no tools on how to navigate it.
We blindly logged on once and never stopped. Now screens rule our days. We take no notice of bad habits we may be instilling into children. We ignore what life outside of the screen had to offer.
I watch in horror at the speed in which we’ve gone from an inconvenient dial-up system to what we have now. We call photos of acquaintances making dinner a newsfeed and we don’t blink an eye at adults and children alike staring 24/7 at a thing we ironically call a smartphone. A thing that infants today no doubt believe their parents love as much as them, if not more. A thing that I both love and truly hate.
Social media became a major conflict for me because I wanted to be doing what everyone else seemed to be doing. But something in me knew being online just for the sake of being online and for the sake of nursing a need for validation wasn’t for me. It wasn’t going to lead me to my best life. I caved many times because its delivery of quick validation and its mind-numbing feature it was so appealing.
I followed the tech habits of the majority for many years. I did the things my peers did – posting, liking, checking, staring, scrolling, allowing my children to stare, scroll, repeat.
I even took it a step further and started posting the things I did in shiny, perfected photos, convincing myself I was looking to influence, or inspire.
But I know now this behavior was under the spell of validation-seeking as well. Because…
“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” -George Berkeley
In other words, if I don’t post (aka boast to at least 200 people) did it really happen? Am I really special or important if the online world doesn’t know about it? I feared my existence would be null if people didn’t see the cool things I was doing.
As a fitness center co-owner, a certifiable fit mom, educator, singer in a band, and artist, I did feel credentialed enough to influence. But the way it took away from me as a parent, a family member, a human being in the live, real world, was very not influence-worthy.
I had myself convinced for too many months in my life that inspiring others with my pretend-perfect life was more important than being present in my real one. And that was not something I wanted others to aspire to.
Not too long into my all-in online practice I noticed a visceral gloom whenever I scrolled on the social media platforms. Even simply the moment I logged on. Along with that was an overwhelming anxiety of how to organize piling digital clutter that cost me several dollars a month.
As I continued to take note, I realized that living online had subconsciously increased how much I spent and how much more I was saying yes to when my insides were screaming nooooooo!
It all escalated to a final numbness.
What forced me into take action mode was regularly observing other adults, for lack of better words, behaving badly.
I tried to follow along pretending I was content in doing so.
The parent and the educator in me worried, almost compulsively, what repercussions from careless use of technology, is in store for us?
Observations and Evaluations and Revelations…Oh My!
I spent the better part of the last 6 years actively working on my relationship with technology, with a large focus on how I wanted to use it so it couldn’t use me.
Trying different ways of clearing the social media clutter and spending time on activities that bring me joy lead me to a lot of revelations. In observing my life with less and more individualized presence online I had many revelations. Taking time to reflect led me to success in finding a relationship with various platforms that works for me. It also led me to a system that works for when new technology rears its head.
This is not something I have accomplished. Instead, it is a habit I have developed – to continue observing, experimenting, and learning. Developing a healthy relationship with the digital world is not one book away. Nor is it being an expert at one strategy and poof problems be gone.
Knowing something is bad is not enough
I always think back to my social psychology professor. He knew so much about the workings of human relationships. He was divorced 3 times.
Though I read about it, research, and try different things, I struggle with the best of us. My three boys, 10 and under, race down before 8am (sometimes 7) to race each other to their beloved Xbox. On good weeks I remember to hide the controllers in a spot good enough they can’t find. In honest moments I admit to myself that the 20 minute increments where they won and stole the controllers, are nice. That I prefer when they have the controllers in hand, and are whisked away to a land that doesn’t involve asking me for cereal or making a mess of their tangible toys in the kitchen, or fort making with my expensive couch in the living room (mind you where I never get claim to the remote).
I suffer the same struggles as the next person. I use video games and my cell phone to appease my kids. I absentmindedly stare at my phone in mid-conversation with my loved ones. I knwo the research because I’m interestd in it, but I find it difficult to implement. The digital world will always be a thing, and research shows its use can be detrimental in many ways, if misused, and it has a tendency to use us. I want to figure it out, so that my kids have an easier time doing so. I want to maintain and model a healthy relationship with it so that younger generations I am around have an easier time being kind to each other, more productive members of society, and use it for all its worth and all its greatness and potential for connection, but leave the rest behind and always stay on top of their game with it.
Fast forward past attempts at influencing on Instagram where I pretended to share to inspire but I know it was truly for validation. Past writing and sharing articles on my blog because I needed it as my personal therapy. To today where I find it difficult to write on the topic. It’s because I’ve come closer to a relationship I am content with. But the sharing is more important than ever because I want others to be here. And I want to stress that the need to improve this relationship will be ever-changing, which is where the power of experimentation and reflection comes in.
I’ve continued researching, learning, self-experimenting, observing, and writing about it ever since.
I’ve been observing, reading, and researching the topic ever since. And applying what I observe, read, and research to self-experimentation with digital life in order to find the best balance of using technology for all its worth and dropping what doesn’t add value, or worse takes away value. And to control this so that I can model healthier habits and kake it easier for those young people I have the pleasure of being around. I’ve committed to it being a constant work in progress.
I looked at my life and I thought. I have dozens of hobbies, a great fitness and nutrition routine, three active boys. Why was I signing on to a whole additional life? Not to mention when quarantine was issued during the pandemic, as an introvert, I LOVED having to say no to social engagements. Why would an introvert like me elect to do more socializng? I’ll tell you why. Because everyone else seemed to be doing it. Once I realized the power was in unfollowing the trends I haven’t looked back. I hope you’ll find your own revelations through reading mine and work towards your own contentment through a commitment to ongoing learning and self-experimentation.
With social media, I did a clean break to start. Doing the ole’ it’s not you, its me routine.
Figuring out a healthy relationship with the dumb, er smart phone was, and still is, more complicated.
I’m not one to allow such toxins in my life. I don’t give many chances to adults who treat me badly, so I wasn’t going to just allow these new things to ruin my days.
One of my favorite hobbies of the last several years has been observing myself and others in this digital age.
As a result I have been overcome with a drive to write about it, perhaps to make some sense of it, but also to make some change.
I know that I can merely control my own actions, and that’s exactly what I have been working to do.
I’m a fighter – a fighter for the good life. So I turned to research and self-help books, applying expert tips to my relationship with technology, and I turned to self-experimentation. I went through many trials and tribulations and I’m finally making nice with social media. But it took me a while to get here.
So I let many of those moments slide. But not without guilt. And I don’t let days go by without trying something new. I experiment for my sake but also for those who will have spent their entire lives battling the balance between real life and the screen.
(add in the intro part from my blog where I say some are not phased and sort of tie in how Thoreau had the same message in his first chapter).
I don’t experiment lightly. I am mindful in it. Mindful of the fact that I used to be, and still (as a middle aged adult) fall into being influenced by my peers. So I turn to the research. My words in this collection of my essays and current thoughts are not written lightly. My actions are a result of research and articles and fact-based information I use to make decisions that will benefit me and those I love and as an educator by profession, those I have an opportunity to influence. In other words, my experiments have credentials.
Very importantly, I need to stress that I don’t have it all figured out. And I never will. Acceptance of that is an important piece of this all. But I’ve figured out some, and I feel the need to share that through my non-judgemental observations of myself and others and self-experimentation through the past 6 years and what has led me to the “method” that has helped me the most and that I find most useful for applying to all areas of my life. Something I originally called the unfollowing, which I now refer to as Mindful Unfollowing.
INTRODUCTION: Mindful Unfollowing
My observations have shown me that most of us are simply following along – using the tech, watching the screen, nonchalantly giving our kids the screen, following the same bad habits as the next person, simply because everyone else is following them. But not me. I’m taking a stand. I’m not following. Alternatively, I’m in search of an intentional life and putting my actions towards greatness.
“I just don’t get this weirdo aspect of the world.”
These are my favorite words spoken by a celebrity. I love these words from because they exemplify being in the state of humor I wish to be in in this current state of the world.
If you are like me and you obsessively look around and observe, you’ll see how those around you mesh into each other. All sporting the same brown boots 20 years ago, now replaced with Nikes, oh wait now that it’s adidas footwear. And Stanley cups yesterday and then odwalas while their 4-5 (or many more in many cases) collect dust in the backyard of pantry’s. And you’ll see toddlers staring at phones while adults carry on conversations. And you’ll see smartphones videotaping their hardworking athletes to post videos their children will never see, yet whom as used for their parents clout.
My 6 year old nephew asked who I was posted a video too and I could t believe he knew this word “post.” And not just “post” but “who are you paying that to?” So that he could determine if he should be worried about who is seeing it.
My kids luckily don’t know that word because I no longer post them. But I still have tech-related struggles and those that negatively impact them and our family.
I want to have as little of them as possible and I want for them to have less of a struggle as they navigate it all as well.
Getting there is the basis for this book. Analyzing observations I’ve observed in myself and others, self-experimenting to fine tune using technology instead of it using me and those I love, and paving a way for this to be easier for young people.
My first tipping point led me to start a blog about how I will and won’t spend my time online. And it pushed me to a place on the world wide web that doesn’t measure the worth of our words with likes.
(Google AI – An introduction, on the other hand, is more likely to be a section where the author addresses the reader directly, explaining why they wrote the memoir and what they hope to achieve with it. It can also provide context for the book and the author’s life, establishing credibility and building rapport with the reader.)
There are many people I know who aren’t fazed by social media. Some, that don’t think about it at all. But if you’re like me, or even if you’re just curious to read some non-judgemental observations or how the implementation of some of the latest recommendations are going, then this book’s for you.
Once I stopped following and worked to find a solution every non-fiction, self-help book I read or research I found I naturally applied to this “problem” I wanted to solve.
This encompasses that research, those readings, and my application to my own life.
I wondered, can I apply best practices (with fidelity) to my life, to my children’s life? Is it even feasible?
“He worked a job he didn’t love, lived a life that in many ways was not his own; discontentment seeped into the porous borders of his world. In short, he was unhappy. Just. Like. Me.” –Joshua Fields Milburn, Everything That Remains
I want to empower people to use technology in a way that works for them and those they love not just the way everyone else seems to be using it.
and I started thinking about all the things in my life I’m doing because of what I see online, or what my friends see online, and then I see them and I dress like them.
I’m just not following why we blindly follow something that is making us upset, or at the very least discontent.
What follows is a collection of my ongoing digital minimalism case study. This includes: the (non-judgemental) observations of myself and others I’ve made through the years, applications of expert life advice (eh hem self-help books) applied to digital life, and the experiments I’ve tried and how they went.
But who was I doing it for? And why do I care?
These questions began to appear in my head.
It felt scary and weird to be different but as I have observed there are many more people out there like me.
i know many people who are completely unfazed by the negatives, and others who are completely content being online. I think that’s where the power of self-experimentation is key. Again, this is fairly new to us all. And we only know ourselves and can only try to make it work.
I want to show that a fulfilling life can happen, even if you don’t show it online. Even if you are not connecting a lot online.
This book is about making sense of a world that has a second world, and trying to swim above water.
Quote to use as a chapter heading? “Because somehow, nothing ever feels lonelier than changing, even though it is the thing we are all constantly doing.” (Klein, pg. 44).
Conversations with my friends
These are the conversations I have with my friends. One of my top character traits (see chapter 5) is Love. What is involved with that is deep connections with others, mostly one-on-one. These are those conversations we have. THey are also the wonderings I have when I’m driving in my car, the thoughts that fill up the inotes on my phone, and the things that randomly pop into my head. They are my ventings. Things that bug me to my core, or things that confuse me beyond belief. They are some things I am working on accepting about the world, but as a self-improvement junkie, they are mainly things I am working on cutting from my life. Thus not following.
Intro: Im not following…blindly following social media..and thoughts on other things my friends and I have conversations about because we are confused of the current way of the world.
Remember, if you are truly your authentic self, some people will not like you. (make in first part before intro to sort of set the stage that this is a memoir with no hold backs)
I just didn’t get and I’m still not following why so many of us blindly go with the flow at the sake of our contentment. It was following a general confusion of what my place was meant to be in a virtual world.
In my search for camaraderie for how I felt about co-existing with social media, I came across a few words that exemplified what I thought about it as well.
“I just don’t like this compulsive, instantaneous, over-information, lack-of-privacy, weirdo aspect of the world.” – Drew Barrymore
I felt heard.
The “weirdo aspect of the world” part is what really stuck with me.
Even though this pretty much sums up how I feel about the digital world, I feel compelled to share another hundred-thousand words on the topic.
This book is the observations I’ve made. From elementary high school classrooms and parent meetings. From fitness center drama. From mom groups, and mom text treds. The essays I’ve written over the last couple years after I had the first revelation that I didn’t need to follow anyone else but what felt right for me.
quote: Unfollow – Unfollow the wrong things to focus on the right things. Finding your socially rich life.
My message is this. If you leave with only one thing. Find what works for you and your loved ones. The stuff that makes your real life relationships healthy and fulfilling
Being Okay with Sharing My Personal Experience With it All
I had to think back to my values to make sure sharing such a personal post was truly in alignment. Is it Honest…check! Am I sharing…yes! – most importantly its sharing just to share. A carefully constructed “relatable” post is not shared to get more likes. It’s also not as a means for getting help (okay for some, just not for me). I’m proud to be sharing for the sake of empowering others.
Sharing our demons (<— a great song for being okay with them), imperfections, and fears are really the only way we can truly connect. It strikes me how we label things we struggle with, like Depression, but the conversation ends there. We don’t talk enough about the ruminating thoughts that have the ability to rob our mind during a depressive state. For me, scrolling on social media sparked little fires in my head causing Depression and I have no shame in talking about them now.